ukulizeme

Everyone has like, one thing they absolutely need to do in their lives. Even if they know there is only a 0.0000001% chance of it happening. You would never admit it to anyone, but you work your ass off trying to make the dream real.

Well I think, since now my dream is totally impossible, it's time to reveal it to the general public.

Let's get some background on this dream though.

I don't remember how old I was, but I started off wanting to be the next Shakira. Don't ask why. I thought I was too, until someone told me I sounded constipated when I sang. A couple of years later, I learned guitar and decided I wanted to play lead in a heavy metal band called "The Underworld". Then, in 2006 my life changed a bit. I heard "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage". Despite always forgetting the long ass name, I wore that song out till I listened to the whole "Fever You Can't Sweat Out" album. 

The metal days were over.

I never got into the rest of the scene, but Panic was fucking magical. I had not heard anything like it, despite everyone trying to mix them in with Fall Out Boy, and whatever other band. It was dirty, different, and had some kick ass piano (which I had failed at learning in my Shakira years but alas I'm still attempting). 

So life goes on and I didn't quite forget about "Fever" the way everyone else seemed to. I made sure to cover every song (except Intermission, damn piano). When news of Panic's exclamation point dropping came out. I didn't sob. It was more of an 'aw, shucks' moment. Because to me, the exclamation point was just kinda fun to write. Meanwhile, my friend went to a concert (didn't take me) and came back with wide eyes because she heard Brendon talk about "angry, sweaty fucking" or something along those lines. My reaction was not pretty, to say the least.

Then "We're So Starving" appears on the internet, and my life is turned around again. Because for some reason, "different" music sucks me in. "Nine In the Afternoon" appears I can't remember how many weeks later and I went from "Panic! At the Disco" are pretty damn cool, to "Panic At the Disco are fucking awesome and could rape me anytime they like". They transformed, changed, grew up and I loved it because that's exactly what music is all about. Changing, growing up (Bob Dylan can come in any second he likes). Pretty Odd also entered the scene and I made sure to get all the pre-Pretty Odd Panic haters to download the whole album and talk about how they were much like The Beatles. Now, I love The Beatles and Panic, but they don't compare in any way possible.

My dream of doing something musical in my life had evolved from Shakira, to heavy metal band, to "get into the music business and play at least once on stage with Panic At the Disco". That's it. No matter how far-fetched. That was my dream, that was numero uno on my bucket list. Not ravage Brendon or Ryan. Or shave Jon's beard. Or get Spencer to teach me drums (because I do need to learn drums) or Brendon to teach me piano and maybe some singing lessons on the side. It was just get on stage with Panic At the Disco and do something. Maybe cover a song, maybe play one of their songs. Just, make music with an amazing band that I looked up to because they were what I thought real music was like. Before I went to Harvard for creative writing and became a hermit or gave away my life, I needed to play music with my sensei.

When the band got twitters, I didn't stalk. I did listen to anything posted by any of them, or Pete Wentz, but no stalking ensued.

The past how many months has been "ugh Panic I cannot wait till you come out with a new album, change your sound, and blow my mind again". 

This morning. I got a text in the morning saying "Panic At the Disco couldn't stay together for the kids". I thought they were referencing to Blink, because I did have tickets for Panic and Blink's show at the Pavillion, so I didn't respond. A couple new messages and a Facebook status and bam! I'm freaking out. "Was Panic's album not releasing? Whatever, I can wait". And then I go on patdonline.com and I see "Jon and Ryan are leaving", so I jump and my charger pops out of my laptop. Laptop is now off and all I'm saying is "fuck, fuck, shit, shit, please" and I'm rebooting my Mac because it couldn't be happening. 

You know how it ends. We all know how it ends. I finally get to go to the concert I've been waiting for since my metal dreams ended and I most likely won't enjoy it. And this is the end of my post. I felt the need to share because, if your life dream is dubbed 100% impossible instead of 0.00001% possible, you can tell everyone right? Maybe I'm not quite right. But I believe in sharing what you wished for, and this is what I had wished for for the bast 3 years. And now? 

0.0001% has become 100%, and I know I'll never have a cooler #1 on my Bucket List. 

RIP Panic.